DAN RONAN COMEDY

May 3, 2012 7:47 pm
DAN RONAN HEADSHOT

DAN RONAN HEADSHOT

August 7, 2011 3:12 am

A new German website is allowing churchgoers to rate their priest. This was exciting news for Father Faber, who got the site’s highest rating of Four Stifled Yawns.

3:10 am

A study reported that children’s use of mobile phones does not increase their risk of brain cancer, but does increase their risk of prank calling Martin Chunkbutt. (Late Live Show)

3:08 am

Scientists thought they had discovered evidence of saltwater flowing on Mars, however, upon closer inspection it was discovered that no one cares about the space program. (Late Live Show)

3:07 am

A recent census reported that in the United States there are over 400,000 unemployed, and they are all your mom’s new boyfriend. (Late Live Show)

3:06 am

Researchers in a New Zealand film vault were excited to find a lost work of Alfred Hitchcock, but were less excited by the film’s title, “Dial F for Fig Newton”.

3:02 am

In Colorado, police received complaints about a man dressed as a leprechaun making lewd gestures outside a supermarket. Police say they pursued the leprechaun in the hood, in space, and finally back 2 tha hood. Onlookers described the scene as a 3 out of 10 on IMDB.

3:02 am

In New Hampshire, police say a mother stabbed her daughter in the chest before stabbing herself to death. Police said they were shocked by this tragic ending to “Gilmore Girls”. When told they were not watching “Gilmore Girls”, police replied, “Then why are our pants off?”.

3:01 am

In England, a group of scientists claim they have solved the age old riddle, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” Scientists say that with this riddle out of the way, they can focus on more important questions, such as, “Whose line is it anyway?”

3:01 am

An Arizona Sheriff shrugged off reports of a $1 million bounty put on his head by Mexican drug cartels. However, after it was explained to the sheriff that a $1 million bounty is different than a $1 million dollar bunt cake, he kind of freaked out.